so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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