The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
