She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
