So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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