update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
