her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
