I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
