I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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