New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
