So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
