Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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