if i can run in heels then i can drive
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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