I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He shit in the fireplace
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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