I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
