dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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