My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
