According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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