I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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