Im at strip club and am horny
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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