Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
