Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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