I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
