I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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