What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
