Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
