her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
