Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Be still, my beating vagina.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
