I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
