Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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