Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
