Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
one might say we're banned from that church
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
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We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
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The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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