thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Couch. On fire.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
