In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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