is your mom at the bar?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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