I just gift wrapped bread.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
