happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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