I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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