I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
