you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
