time to smoke my breakfast
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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