life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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