Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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