Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
