I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
im calling her cock vulture from now on
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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