Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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