The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
