Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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