all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
