kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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