I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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