Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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