Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
