Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
