Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
